27 July 2019

Self-Kindness, Self-Compassion and Self-Love is the Key

I have been witnessing a world losing their sanity and humanity to fear and tribalism.  No matter what side of the fence you are on you cannot go through life filled with hate of those who are different and fear.  Fear of losing your status, your home, your loved ones is driving us to pit ourselves against one another.  We are becoming rigid and unwilling to lighten our hearts and be there for those who are most at need.

In a way to deal with the stress of the world, it seems that “self-care” is becoming the new buzz word.

Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it’s a simple concept in theory, it’s something we very often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.

Forbes even had an article on self-care suggesting 10 simple habits

  1. Go for a run or a light jog.
  2. Meditate or do deep breathing for five minutes.
  3. Take a break when you need it.
  4. Choose who you spend time with.
  5. Laugh heartily at least once a day.
  6. Eat green daily.
  7. Avoid emotional eating.
  8. Start a journal.
  9. Learn to say ‘No.’
  10. Stop overthinking.

All theses suggestions are very worthy suggestions.  But I feel many are missing the boat on self care.  Self-compassion and self-kindness MUST come first in order to truly work on self care.  What good does it do to go for a light run if the entire time you are telling yourself that you are fat and out of shape.  How can you avoid emotional eating if you are so down on yourself that you are unwilling to look at your feelings towards yourself.

One of the best books I have read is Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.  Would we ever say the things we say to ourselves to other human being.  NO.  We are much harder on ourselves and we need to stop.

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

I have only been working on self-compassion for a few months, but I have felt the difference and more importantly I have had others comment to me that they see a difference in me as well.  I no longer strive for perfection at all costs.  I have come to understand that imperfection is part of the human condition.  My new mantra when I make a mistake is “Well that happened”.  It is not the same as not caring or trying your best, it is about honoring your self and being kind when you might fail or make a mistake.  It is learning to truly embrace yourself and who you are; wringles, bulges and mistakes.  I  am pretty fucking awesome.  I am just sorry it has taken me 53 years to realize that.

25 June 2019

If Nothing Changed There Would Be No Butterflies

I can’t believe it has been a years since my last post.  I have spent the last year doing a lot of work on myself as well as a lot of work on my relationship.  It hasn’t been easy and I have had to face some hard truths about myself.  But I feel like I am finally starting to break out of a cocoon.

A couple weeks ago, I saw a ton of butterflies.  It was as if a mass metamorphosis of caterpillars had occurred, or huge escape from some butterfly habitat.  But I couldn’t help but feel a similar to the small butterflies that were everywhere.  Over the last 10 – ½ months I have undergone my own transformation of sorts.  I thought I was so brilliant in my analogy, however I found someone else who wrote about the same and did it much better than I could.   Buddy T said said it perfectly.

 

“Each time you see a fuzzy, little caterpillar, try to remember…it will one day be transformed into a beautiful butterfly. It’s difficult to imagine — an ugly, crawling, perhaps even repulsive creature will one day become a bright, beautiful, winged butterfly.

This new creature is very different from its former self. It is a beautiful sight indeed. Before this miraculous transformation takes place, the little caterpillar withdraws into its own world. It finds a place it can be alone.

Then it painfully struggles to make a cocoon, which it wraps tightly around itself. During this cocoon stage, it is sealed off from the rest of the world. It remains in this dark place for days. Gradually, a tiny crack appears in the covering and as the crack widens, a new creature emerges.

This new creature is very different from its former self. It is a beautiful sight indeed! The new butterfly stays near the cocoon for a while — a safe familiar home. Soon its tiny, wet wings begin to dry in the sunshine.

It slowly begins to flutter its wings and it flies from bloom to bloom. With every stop it makes at a flower, it gains strength. In turn, each flower offers the butterfly some pollen.

As the butterfly visits each succeeding flower, it leaves behind some of the valuable pollen. This is how the flowers are able to form seeds and be reborn.

When most of us come to Al-Anon, we are similar to the butterfly. There was a time when we, too, were unlovely creatures. Our spirits could merely crawl, never soar.

As the disease of Alcoholism progressed, our ability to cope with anything grew weaker and weaker. We, too, built a cocoon around ourselves. We withdrew from the world and hid. Time passed. Then we heard about Al-Anon and hope caused a tiny crack to begin in our outer shell. After several meetings, the crack opened and we emerged.

We sat in the light and absorbed the warmth, friendship, and understanding of the group–just as the butterfly absorbed the sunshine. In time, we begin to carry to others the gifts we’d received. Each time we help others, we strengthen ourselves.”

 

It is a slow process.  I was not a person who adapted too well to change.  I was comfortable in my chaos.  I thought I was managing it.  I feel that I had to lean on my program and my higher power in order to find the Courage to Change.

By asking my higher power daily to give me peace in accepting the things I can’t change and strength to change the things I can, I also ask for the courage to have the knowledge to understand the difference.  This comes in the form of the serenity prayer.

 

We must remember that if nothing changed there would be no butterflies.

28 June 2018

Needs – Wants = Happiness

I was introduced to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in 10th grade in my first psychology course.  Many courses, classes and books later, I am still trying to climb my way to the top of the pyramid.   Often we can feel lost in the search for Self Actualization.  I feel like I have been on a 30 year journey towards Self Actualization, I should be there.  Then it hits me.  It Self Actualization is not about the destination it is about the journey.

I was fortunate, in that most of my physiological and security needs were met as a child, so I didn’t have to worry about those.  In the USA and other parts of the world, many of these needs are not met and so people are not allowed to continue growing emotionally.  I feel I was often stuck between love/belonging and esteem.   I am always full of if-isms.  If I was thinner, if I was richer, if I was pregnant.   If we condition our happiness on if’s we will never be truly happy.  Happiness does come from  within.  We have to do everything in our power to find happiness with ourselves – just the way we are.  Sometimes that might involve leaning on a higher power.

If we determine our needs and make sure they are fulfilled then we can be happy.  Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex and the City, had a line that always stuck with me. “The funny thing about needs: once they are met you don’t need them anymore”.    Now I believe she was just talking about a want.

 

 

 

 

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22 June 2018

This Too Shall Pass

So I am back baby.  It has been a wild and crazy ride over the last few years, a lot has happened.  I lost my dad in 2014. I went to Korea and Japan on go-live projects in 2015.  I went back to grad school in 2016.  I finished a year long upgrade project along with finishing my MBA in 2017.

In 2018 , I was forced to realize that I  had been running from the realities of my life.  Having no children makes it a lot easier to be selfish but I didn’t realize how much of denial I had been in.  My life had gotten out of control.  My need to put on the perfect image had finally run its course and I had to admit to the shortcomings in my life.  I had to let go and let God.  But how do I do that when I had no relationship with God.  I had issues with God because he was so wrapped up in the constraints of religion.  I felt that all the different religion’s God was not my God.  It often did not align with the actions of those that attended the religious services so I just turned away from God.

In 2018 I found God.  I am no Joseph Smith looking for a religion to start up and convince others that believing in my God is the only path to salvation.   I found my spiritual side, a side that is not limited by 10 rules or a 100 different passages.  But it has helped me get back on a spiritual path and journey.

Louie Schwartzberg had a wonderful quote about God in his Ted Talk that really spoke to me.   God is that personal journey we all want to be on, to be inspired, to feel like we’re connected to a universe that celebrates life.”  Finally a definition of God that I can believe in and have faith in;  a guiding light for me to follow.