The Jerk Store Called

I am no longer a religious person by nature.  I may no longer believe that one spirit is up above running the show. But I do believe that the Universe is not a random collision of cosmic forces.  I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and when one door closes another door opens.  I am a strong believer in the Cosmic Law of Cause and Effect – AKA Karma.  The adage that ‘each and every action has an equal and opposite reaction’ is an accepted fact in the realm of Physical Science.  Religions also express this phenomenon in their own ways – ‘karma’ to the Hindus and Buddhists is Christianity’s “as you sow, so shall you reap”, or as Jesus is reported to have said, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. 

Over the previous seven months this belief has been a true exercise.   Last June when Steve came home and sat on the couch and told me he was laid off, my first response is why would you joke with that.  When the reality kicked in, my first thought was not to jump on my knees and beg forgiveness or beat ourselves up because of the assumption that we must have done something wrong.  These were past behaviors that I would tend to use when bad things happened or didn’t go our way.  But now I have learned that sometime “shit happens”.  We had to figure out what was meant to be learned from this.  What was the universe trying to tell us.  We decided that it was definitely trying to tell us that Steve needed to get back to school and get his degree.  Something I had wanted for a long time but Steve, feeling he had hit his groove, felt like he could retire from his previous place of employment.  Suddenly with the lay off came the realization that the groove may have just been a rut.  After 3 months of job searches Steve finally resigned himself to the fact that school is where he needed to be.  He jumped through all the hoops and finally got enrolled.  It was really strange because when January hit and he began his course work there was new life in his job searches.  Interviews and hope came shining through.  Finally a job offer.  I know that it can be attributed to patience and the economy slowly turning around.  But I like to believe that we kept our mind open to what the universe was trying to tell us. 

                The experience also made me realize that I too am not dead yet and I need to watch out for ruts and improve my self as well.  So my goal for the year is to work on Tania .  The Chinese defines 2012 of the year of the Dragon.   Because the Dragon is a Karmic sign. Chung advises the Dragon to remember that he will never receive more than he is giving to the world. “Dragons get excited when it is their year and their pace, but they can become over confident,” chides Chung. He believes the path for the Dragon is clear: “Be good to your body, accept new love, and you will find wealth through routine.”  I may not have been born under the dragon but I am definitely believe this year of the Dragon is our year.  So far it is work out nicely.

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Where are you Christmas? The holiday is almost here. With Steve unemployed it does make it hard to be in the Christmas spirit No matter how many angels I grab off the Angel Tree it has not helped me find Christmas. My world is changing and I am rearranging but does that mean Christmas changes too.

I will not give up so for the next week I am going to do my darndest to get find Christmas. So to start I have decided to try to share some of the seaon.

The Iraq war finally came to an end this week. I was never for that war and had many arguments and hurt many relationships over my strong feelings about the most idiodic war that was. As it came to an end Stephen Colbert paid tribute and I thought I would share.

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Two weeks ago I received word that my cousin Penny’s husband had passed. They had been married 24 years. It really wasn’t until about 4 years ago that we started getting closer and hanging out a little more. Golf was the driving factor and beer really helped the cause as well. Up until a weel ago I was a funeral virgin. I had never attended a funeral and because I did not participate in any of the services when I was young I developed a phobia and did not even attend viewings as I grew older. I would always just send my sympathy.

I felt like this time I had to do it. I owed it to Chad. It was heartbreaking because he was only 4 years older than me and my cousin Penny was so heartbroken and lost without him. We pondered the loss for a few days and on the following Wednesday Steve, my mom and I took dinner over and that is when the real loss hit me. I was an emotional wreck. I wish I could say it was all because I missed Chad but there were so many other things whirling around in my head that it was making me a basketcase. Funny thing about feelings, they are a lot like speed bumps. You might not always know they are there but you sure feel them. If you are not prepared they can really knock the wind out of you.

It resurfaced old feelings of not having children that I thought were long tucked away. The thought that when Steve dies I would be alone. Yes, I would have my surrogate son Tyler but it is not the same. It made me think of relationships and who would come to my service and honor me. Relationships that I have not continued to work on. It also made me really think about Steve’s relationships with his family – which honestly are non existant. How would I break the news and would they even care. So many thing were playing with my emotions. I guess as we grow older we take death a little harder. No wonder my mom cried for 2 days recently when their pet rabbit died. I get it now. I also understand why we have funerals. It is a way of finally saying goodbye and letting go of all the emotions that are whirling around. I just hope I don’t have to go through this for another 45 years, but that is just wishful thinking.

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